I remember reading once that those who give the best relationship advice, tend to be single people. I’ve believed that, since I have been single most of my adult life and always offer sound tips on how to handle relationships.
Over time I realized that one of the reasons I was able to share such pearls, was due to my ability to be detached from many of life’s emotional experiences. I’ve always been one to look at the practical side of things – versus reacting or processing situations from an emotional plateau.
With the exception of a codependent and draining life experience, I’ve been single since 1986. That odd experience – which I refuse to call it a relationship, even though people classified us as boyfriends at the time – lasted a few years, cost me well over ten thousand dollars and hundreds of hours filled with emotional heartache. It did one good thing however. It showed me some major flaws in my character and allowed me to see how not to win a heart.
Since that faded away – thanks mostly to my own internal and spiritual growth – I’ve become at peace over the concept that I am simply a single man. I’ve gone through cycles in my life where I longed for the companionship of another man to where I simply found my fulfillment through my circle of friends and my social outlets.
However, a decade or so ago – just years after I moved back to South Street in the 90s – I stumbled upon a human spirit that intrigued me; his energy, his passion for music and life was quite similar to my own. He was one of the few people that, whilst in my presence, took such command that I locked up and said nothing.
Grant it, he was in a relationship anyway – so with the exception of just befriending him – there wasn’t much more that I could, or would, do.
Years went by and we traveled in the same circles – each within one or two degrees of separation from the other.
I always pined for this man – but never spoke aloud my feelings. Partly due to his situation and mostly because I just assumed it would be a useless task.
A month or so ago, we crossed paths, thanks to an opportunity that placed him in my world. Following that experience, in casual conversation, he revealed how strong his feelings have been towards me for oh so many years.
I could barely breathe. The spirit who, deep inside I craved, craved me. We had a marathon conversation over instant message, where we explored our pasts – and realized just how connected we have always been.
From that moment, it has been a whirlwind experience. I, a self-proclaimed independent, detached, unemotional sort, have allowed myself the refreshing – no, exhilarating experience of a pure and cleansing emotional shower.
There are moments when I feel as if I am being excavated … gingerly dusted off after years of being buried in layers of internal fears and frustrations. As with a paleontologist, he has steady hands and a passion and desire to preserve. I am grateful for his patience.
And, as much as I have been proud of my professional life, I've realized that I was lacking pride in my personal world ... thanks to John's love and understanding, I now am comfortably proud of ME, completely.
For the first time in 20 years I have allowed myself to be cared for by someone. For the first time in 20 years I have allowed myself to be intimately appreciated by someone. For the first time in 20 years I have allowed myself to be loved by someone.
Most importantly, for the first time in 20 years, I have allowed myself to love someone in return.